Mombies in the garden.

While the government was talking about bringing back ox carts instead of ambulances to ferry patients in the rural areas( for those of you who don't believe me read Zim News), we were weaving our way home in the early hours of the morning after attending the 21st party of the year, held at the graciously fading Mutare Club. I was kept up well past my bed time by the Gorgeous Kate and Divine Sarah who insisted we dance to every song that played. Egged on by the fun-loving Debbie Staunton and lots of champagne I performed the Watusi rather wildly to Proud Mary in my stilettos. I soon realized my limitations and age as I had to sit down regularly and regain control of my breathing. I must say I was outdone on the dance floor by the gyrations of Butch Vaughn- Davies and his dog Puddles. With Pat away in Mozambique it was girls night out and we rocked.

Feeling the worse for wear, the three of us arrived back at the Bvumba in time for lunch. As we rolled down the driveway admiring the perfect view, we came to an abrupt halt and rubbed our eyes in total disbelief as the garden was full of cattle. We piled out of the landrover with arms flaying shouting obscenities, but they just lifted their heads, looked at us curiously and then went back to munching. The garden was annihilated, where cascades of nasturtiums once bloomed a beautiful orange, frail yellow stalks stood nakedly. Arum lilies and ferns lay strewn across the lawn with enough cow pooh to sink the Titanic. No amount of shooing was going to budge these beasts. As one overturned the birdbath to have a slurp of water I fell to my knees. 

"The Birders are coming to Partridge Hill in August for their monthly bird meeting! Do you think the flowers will grow in a month I wailed hysterically!! " The gorgeous Kate started to giggle as a shaggy longhorn shook his gigantic head at her, as he advanced towards her she raced to the sanctuary of the house screaming. Hard to believe we were once Cattle Breeders. Sarah then started relating true life stories about her mother who had been downed by a mad cow and little Sarah had watched in frozen horror as it nearly trampled her mother to death. 

Things seemed to be getting slightly out of hand and immediate action had to be taken. " Wait I have an idea" I shouted above the mooing, I rushed inside and grabbed Sue Elton's Widow Maker fire cracker she had given me to overwhelm would be intruders and rapists. It was the size of a Cuban cigar. I held it up frantically looking for matches. "Run for cover girls", I yelled "I am going to light this mother and chuck it through the window, that should scare them off" I chuckled maliciously. As I struck the match and lit the cracker there was an unexpectedly rapid whooshy sound. The Widow Maker fizzed into sudden life taking me by complete surprise. In a mad panic I threw it with gusto through the window. With all the excitement my aim was terrible, I missed the window and it hit the burglar bars bouncing back like a boomerang on fire. "Watch out" I screamed and dived for the floor hands over my ears.

There was an almighty bang and the room filled with smoke and a heavy acrid smell. The gorgeous Kate peeped cautiously round the doorway her face pale with concern. " What are you doing Mum, are you nuts?". I sat up and examined myself for injuries. Other than a slightly burnt finger I was in reasonable shape. Bits of cracker were stuck to the curtains and there was a smokey black mark on the wall, but other than that no visible signs of damage. I stood up and looked out of the window it appeared the Widow Maker had no affect on the cattle they swished their tails lazily finishing off the last of the hydrangeas.

Fortunately in the bedlam Mai Zuze arrived and calmly herded them with the aid of a stick and a barking Popeye. Where had we gone wrong. We surveyed the damage later it appeared the garden would definitely recover by the next century and the lawn was certainly manured in fact every square inch. Just another day in Africa. 

Mandy Retzlaff
Bvumba
Zimbabwe