So how was Christmas?

Hey so there we were!! The family at Christmas, it was great!! Gorgeous lamb, fresh potatoes dug up from the farm that morning, and all the rest. We congregated, drank too much, talked politics, the demise of farming, everyone who had left and was still leaving and then passed out. Boxing day was slightly different. We woke up bug eyed and heady, rushed to the kitchen to prepare for Boxing day. Boxing Day is great, its all the relos who could not make Christmas.

This Boxing Day was particularly interesting because it included the Black sheep of the family the notorious Uncle Ferdy. We had not seen him for eleven years. To give a brief background on Ferdy the Rogue, he was married to one of our cousins. He was born in Uganda and grew up in East Africa speaks fluent Swahili and resides in Bulawayo. Our cousin binned him but he pops up every now and again. His opening line at every family function is that he has given up drink and only drinks milk and then proceeds to down an enormous quantity of alcohol. This time was no different. Ferdy is the father of our most beautiful second cousin so he arrived in her wake. He immediately informed us that he had given up alcohol entirely but on such a special occasion would relent and then proceeded to down a full bottle of wine.

As we gathered together for lunch he chose to sit opposite me. He was now on his second bottle of full bodied red. He engaged me in a Swahili greeting and I responded by reminding him the last time I had seen him he had worn an African cloth vaguely attached to his hips and had nothing else on except a cockatiel perched on his shoulder. As we tucked into our tender lamb and fresh farm mint sauce Ferdy suddenly made an announcement, he prodded his fork in the air pointing in my direction and shouted out "You know I had a fling with Your Mother!!! I flicked my head around to see if there was anyone else behind me, surely he could not be talking about my mother. But It seemed he was.!! My eyes whizzed round the table trying to establish where the gorgeous Kate was unless she heard disturbing things about her most beloved grandmother. Ferdy, you can't be talking about Granny B. I whispered, absolutely petrified that anyone else would hear. By this time the rest of the table were leaning forward hands resting on chins in total fascination and anticipation.

Ferdy held the floor describing in detail what Granny B and he got up to in nights of passion while she was working at the Parinyatwa as a nursing sister. Look! I know she was a widow then! and call me a prude but somehow one can't imagine Mum and Ferdy in soixante- neuf. I had to put my hands over my ears. Pat who so happened to be sitting opposite Ferdy was absolutely absorbed (as was the rest of the table) he was staring at him in total awe, was this his Mother in Law! Ferdy was talking about!! He suddenly leered at me and winked and then turned to Ferdy, "Pity Mandy hasn't inherited any of Gran's genes" I gave him a swift kick underneath the table and scuttled off to the kitchen to deal with the Christmas pudding. Fortunately on my return Ferdy has turned to other topics. But that is family for you and each Christmas brings lots of surprises!!!!!

Our worst surprise was our return to the Bvumba, we dropped in at Sally's who is the nearest thing to the Horse whisperer, to see how our orphaned colt was. As I walked in trilling Happy Christmas I was met by Sally sporting a huge black eye. She had been burgled by a bunch of thugs. They had climbed in through a bathroom window and took Sally by surprise. She was hit in the face and then tied and gagged. They somehow believed that Sally, a schoolteacher, was holding large amounts of cash in her safe. Although they found a small amount of money they were not satisfied so proceeded to burn her legs with a lit candle. When they eventually broke into the safe they found there was nothing there in fact it was not even locked. Sally's legs are a mass of burns some third degree. I can't tell you the shock and horror I felt of seeing Sally in this state. How could people be so savage. Who will be brought to justice for this most inhumane crime!!! I am afraid this is how we are going into the New Year and our security is the most important thing. To everyone out there make it a priority to look after yourselves. I love you all and lets hope 2004 will show some positive signs.

Mandy Retzlaff
Bvumba
Zimbabwe