Confusion Day

It was Consultation day. You know that day when the parents meet the teachers. When it comes to the Gorgeous Kate I always enjoy these days. The teachers always say delightful things about her and her academic ability. I rush round in a warm glow basking in her glory.

Pat and I often look at her, then turn to each other and marvel that we produced such a gem. I think back to the days when the boys were at school. Pat and I would arrive at Falcon College in a cold sweat and have to take a swig of brandy from a hip flask to fortify ourselves before we faced the masters. Then I would sob all the way back to Chinhoyi with Pat trying to console me and concentrate on his driving at the same time. Now make no mistake, the boys are as wonderful and very bright but they just didn't share the same views on school work as we did or their long suffering masters.

When the boys left Falcon it was a great relief that we would not have to suffer another Consultation Day again. Kate is different though and I was looking forward to a relaxing afternoon and to all the lovely things I was sure her teachers would be telling me. We were ushered in and as I hadn't brought my glasses I had to squint at the names of Kate's teachers. I was eventually directed to a gentleman at a desk in a grey shirt who somehow I presumed to be Kate's Math's teacher. I greeted him enthusiastically. He pushed a book towards me and pointed with his finger. I gazed blindly down at the book and it was just a blurred mass which was supposed to indicate Kate's marks. Before he could get a word in edgeways I launched proudly into the Retzlaff's mathematical history. All About Kate's great Grandfather who had been a banker in Berlin before the war, I followed this with a brief of the brilliant mathematical ability of her paternal grandfather and then of course her fathers and uncle's mathematical genius. He looked bemused. I then described Kate's afternoon activity at extra math's lessons and did he know Andrew who helps her in the afternoons. He was staring at me in open mouthed silence which I mistook for awe. I then in detail described my own mathematical inability. He clucked in sympathy. When I had exhausted him I swiftly left, searching for Kate's Physics teacher. I ended up in the school hall and patiently waited in a chair until it was my turn and I could be seated opposite Kate's Physics teacher. As soon as the seat became vacant I rushed in hand extended bubbling with good will and introduced myself. He seemed overwhelmed by the warmth of my greeting. He then introduced himself and said he was very pleased with Kate's math's marks. I looked him up and down in shock, had I misheard. But I have just seen the Math's teacher I stuttered, pointing frantically in the direction of the man in a grey shirt. He twisted his head around and gave a deep throated laugh No !Mrs. Retzlaff that is the Physics teacher.

I was absolutely mortified and kept our interview short as my cheeks were burning with embarrassment and scuttled off to find Kate's Chemistry teacher. This time I made sure I was facing the right man. My greeting was subdued compared to the other two. I listened attentively as he talked me through Kate's marks. He then turned to me gravely, I am afraid I do have one problem with Kate he confided. I clutched my throat and found myself reaching automatically for the hip flask. She hasn't been attending her Chemistry pracs. I leaned back in my chair totally flabbergasted. "Kate doesn't attend her Chemistry Pracs" I repeated looking at him in confusion. "Why! where does she go I whispered?" He beckoned me closer. Well, he cleared his throat and paused, last time she was scoring for the Cricket team!!. I looked at him as though he had gone mad. The Gorgeous Kate, I shook my head dumbly, but she hates Cricket. "Well Mrs. Retzlaff "he said sadly, "If she doesn't attend her pracs she won't do well in her A levels and these days they have to work hard." I beat a hasty retreat and I couldn't wait to get my hands on Kate. I hurriedly prepared Kate's lecture. When I finally found Kate I reprimanded her sternly, she looked at me in outraged disbelief and then burst out laughing. " Oh Mum!" she chided, "Don't be ridiculous, he is mixing me up with someone else, you know I would never score for the Cricket Team and I attend every Chemistry prac."" He obviously thinks you are someone else's mum." So there you are, I am relieved, I am not the only one who becomes confused at Consultation Day. 

Mandy Retzlaff
Bvumba
Zimbabwe