A fish bone.

We skimmed across a gentle, turquoise sea in a boat hired from Allan Donald, feeling a bit like the models in the Mainstay advertisement, do you know the feeling? My travelling companions were Rob Hamlyn daringly attired in a blue speedo, posh cousin Jules in a miniscule pink, flowered bikini and blonde Georgina attired similarly but with a snarling tiger tattooed down her back. The rest of us were dressed rather boringly I'm afraid, like the sensible Zimbabwean farmers we are, covered in factor 30 from head to toe. Our destination were the islands, we were in Vilanculos on business believe it or not and to find accommodation for the horses. Posh cousin Jules had just arrived from Gloucestershire and she didn't do third world destinations very well. I had persuaded her this would be a third world adventure she could not miss out on, but she thought she had landed in the fourth world by mistake. The last time she came, she endured a week of roughing it and then succumbed to a horrible diarrohea and had to book into the Royal Livingstone in Zambia to recuperate.

Our driver, who I must tell you was a jovial fellow and very enthusiastic, suddenly shouted and pointed to the bow of the boat, a group of sleek, shiny dolphins performed perfect arcs as they swam past. Rob and Keith immediately donned snorkeling gear and executed two perfect back somersaults off the boat to swim with the dolphins. It was enchanting to watch man and mammal bond but we had to press on, the boys reluctantly clambered back on board and we sped off to snorkel at Two Mile Reef. If we had been delighted with the dolphins we were overwhelmed with the reef. Schools of brightly coloured tropical fish and other amazing sea creatures, too many to mention, were everywhere, I couldn't believe the dazzling colours of the star fish and I was delighted to see so many parrot fish, you see so many caught in Mozambican fishing nets you think their days are numbered. My mask unfortunately kept on filling up with water, so I headed for the boat, as I clambered on board in a most undignified manner, hair matted over my mask like a piece of seaweed, I found Jules hanging over the boat green with sea sickness and about to vomit violently. Once everyone had returned to the boat, we headed for Benguerra and Jules got over her nausea by falling instantly in love with Benguerra Lodge. She was so taken with this island oasis she wanted to book in immediately, but was shocked when the reception could not tell her what it cost a night, apparently you have to phone Johannesburg. 

From Benguerra we headed for Pansy Island and looked for the famous pansy shells which we found in abundance. We floated on our backs, bobbing along in the gentle waves, gazing at a cobalt blue sky, it really felt like we were in paradise and we could have stayed there forever. Our last stop was Dugong Bay, sadly we didn't spot any Dugongs, last time I was there Paul Dutton a (Conservationist) was on a count and I know he was very disappointed. We did see massive shoals of small fish taking refuge round the pier, they were in turn surrounded by King fish who were lazily picking them off. We headed off back to Blue Waters looking forward to sundowners and their famous fish platter, after a most delightful and exhilarating day. 

As we disembarked from the boat we were all laden with kit and set off along the beach, Jules and I lagging behind, Rob passed us at a brisk walk and I complemented him on his shapely, athletic legs which embarrassed the hell out of him and prompted Jules to have a fit of the giggles, she had to stop to recover herself. Rob who was now way ahead, suddenly collapsed on the beach "Something has happened to Rob" I shouted to Jules and started to run, " Its probably a big heart attack, brought on by your admiration of his legs" she screamed after me. I staggered along the beach impeded by flippers, snorkels and bags. I could just make out Keith Christie Smith bent over Rob and it looked as though he was tugging on something attached to Rob's heel, at least he wasn't administering mouth to mouth yet. When I arrived breathless and wheezing, the gorgeous Kate had her hands over her eyes" Oh Mum! Rob has stood on a fish bone" she moaned " It has gone right through his heel" she peered at me through her fingers. I looked down in horror and nearly fainted myself, Rob lay on the sand, leg extended while Keith Christie Smith was tugging with all his might on the fishbone, which had entered through Rob's heel and was now jutting out near his ankle. He was instructing Keith through gritted teeth to pull harder. " Stop! I shouted "Right Now!! I'm going to get help." 

I waved frantically to Janet Edgar who was some distance away walking her dog, she gave me a bright, friendly wave in return. I screamed and threw my hands in the air but she obviously thought I was just in high spirits and gave me another amicable wave back. I tried more frantic hand waving and then in desperation performed a demented leap in the air hoping this would attract her attention, amazingly it worked and Janet came flying down the beach. "Janet "I gasped "Look! Rob has a huge fishbone through his ankle" she glared down at Rob who was now the colour of chalk, his lips were beaded with perspiration. You F----- Idiot, What the F-- have you done to yourself, she berated him sharply. The dazed shock and confusion we felt by this rather unexpected outburst must have registered on our faces, because she turned to us apologetically and then confided " Sorry I always swear like that when I panic" she looked so contrite we all burst out laughing. Janet helped Rob to his feet and with the help of Keith he managed to hop to Blue Waters. Once he was at Blue Waters we would be able to pick him up by car and transport him to the Vilanculos hospital. In the meantime, I legged it back to the cottage to get some metacais and shorts for Rob, as he was still in his speedo god forbid and we didn't want the Vilanculos nurses hyperventilating. I eventually arrived back at Blue Waters to find Rob flat on his back on a piece of lawn with Brian Turner straddled over him, triumphantly brandishing a pair of pliers with the fishbone in its grip, it looked like a scene from the Chainsaw Massacre Movie. Brian's daughter was helpfully pouring a bottle of neat peroxide into the wound in case of infection and Rob seemed on the verge of passing out. The next thing a hosepipe was attached and Rob and his heel were given a jolly good hosing down. You will be pleased to know that Rob survived his ordeal without any further setbacks and must be congratulated on his enormous bravery. 

Posh cousin Jules flew back to Gloucestershire a week early, an infestation of flying ants finally finished her off, even though I assured her they were quite harmless and the locals eat them as snacks. As we speak she is now holidaying in a more civilized destination but I bet not nearly as much fun. The rest of us are looking forward to our next trip to Vilanculos gateway to paradise, which is very soon. Well done and thank you to everyone at Blue Waters and a very special thanks to Janet and Rob Edgar who came to our assistance so readily. Oh! Oh! just received a call, posh cousin Jules has gone down with Malaria!!!. 

Mandy Retzlaff
Bvumba
Zimbabwe

This letter is dedicated to Roy and Heather Bennet. His website is www.freeroybennett.com for those of you who want to find out more about this very brave Zimbabwean couple. A big thank you to all the people who write in and tell me how much they enjoy my emails I enjoy writing them for you and I am glad they make you smile. Thank you to all the amazing people who have contributed sanitary ware, toothbrushes, cotton wool etc. Wishing you all a Merry Christmas and let us hope 2004 is good to us all.